Everyone talks about being your authentic self. What they don't tell you is that being the authentic unfiltered version of yourself can feel fake....at first.
You've spent years conditioning yourself to fit in. To be the version of you that you think you need to be to be successful & loved. You've done it for so long that it feels natural. That doesn't mean it is.
The real question is, how do you know who the authentic you is?
Think about all the times you've thought to yourself...
"I wish I would have said ____"
"I wish I would have done _____"
"I wish I was more like ____"
The unfiltered version of you is the one who lives in those wishes.
She says what she's really thinking. She does the things (even if they're not the norm). She has the traits you're drawn to in others.
I was a perfectionist & a people pleaser. I could become whoever I thought I should be. I set acceptable goals. I saw myself working for a big company. Having the corner office. Living in a fancy apartment in the city with my equally successful husband.
All those things felt natural & unnatural at the same time, but because I had done it for so long it felt normal. It's just who I was.
Then after my life had fallen apart for the um-teenth time & was sick of crying in the shower to get through the day, I decided fuck it. I was done people pleasing & I was gonna do what made me happy. Screw what anyone else thought (much easier said than done).
I questioned everything new that I thought I wanted. Constantly wondering if it was my authentic self.
I started a business. I dyed my hair purple. I started sharing some not so popular opinions. I turned down a promotion. I dated the totally wrong guy that was totally right for me. It was uncomfortable, but it also felt right. That was a feeling I wasn't used to.
Being my authentic self felt fake for a while, but the more I did it and accepted it, the more natural it became. Now I don't question it. It's just who I am.
I've always been a procrastinator. In school I'd never write my papers until the night before. I never pack until the last minute. Hell, I put off finishing this website and writing the first blog post (this one) until 2 months after the deadline I set for myself.
You wouldn't be wrong if you assumed some of my procrastination was laziness. Sometimes I just don't feel like doing anything more than what HAS to be done.
But, usually procrastination is my way of telling myself something about what I'm doing(or not doing).
People rarely procrastinate for no reason. Usually it's because you don't want to do something, there's a fear connected to doing the thing, or it gives you a response you want.
Take this website. Planned on having it done in July buuuttt, I kept telling myself I’d do it later.
Truth is, every time my business starts growing too fast I find ways to stop showing up until things slow back down. I procrastinate out of fear.
I want my business to grow. I want it to make a huge difference in the world (nothing too big, just the equivalent of Oprah influence). But every time it starts growing like that, the judgy bitch in my head says WAIT!!! What if you let someone down? What if this is too much? What if it all falls apart?
I'd wait until the last minute to write papers in school. Social media posts. Even my blog posts. It's not out of laziness or because I don't want to write them, I do it so I don't overthink.
If I write them too early, I will go back & fix it or change it I can't tell you how many times. By the time I'm done with all my fixing it's lost that spark. My fixing is really filtering. What will people think? How can I make this less likely to be judged?
Filtering kills the original spirit of the message.
Then there are things I procrastinate because I DON'T WANT TO DO THEM.
Laundry & dusting are top of that list. When I was a manger, I'd put off seeing an employee when I knew I had to fire them. I'll find a million other things to do instead when I don't want to do something (I've organized my sock drawer & alphabetized my movies more than once to avoid doing something).
If you're procrastinating, look at why. What's it telling you? Sometimes knowing that answer can change everything.