For most of my life, I was a people pleaser.
I would create an acceptable version of myself (sometimes there was barely any of ME) to fit the situation. I was the good one. The good student, the friend parents LOVED, the one who was trustworthy aka the spokesperson for the group with any authority figure. The responsible one (a lot of me there) employers loved her. I would become the perfect girlfriend. The funny one at parties. The quiet one with friends that loved to be the center of attention.
I would morph from personality to personality like actors do with different roles. That's what I was doing, I was acting.
There's safeness in hiding behind those masks.
You can put up with more things you dislike, because it's not really you. There's a disconnection from it (That's how I stayed at a job I hated for over a decade). I can't tell you how many times someone was mad at me & I'd give them the response they wanted just so we could move the fuck on.
Changing from person to person is a lot easier than honestly putting yourself out there.
When you decide to be the real you, it's scary as fuck(well it was for me). A lot of things come up. What if I'm not good enough? What if they think I'm stupid or don't want to be friends anymore? What if I lose people who are important to me? What do I do with all the judgement?
As scary as it is, it's so worth it to be the real you.
When you show up as your authentic self, you experience a lot more happiness & success.
You attract people who get you (such a fabulous feeling). You DO things you love instead of always doing what someone else loves. Things become easier because you start using your natural gifts & talents.
Yes there's definitely more vulnerability, but there's strength there. More connections. A shift into alignment where you learn about what you really want & what that thing looks like for you.
Even if you think you lost your authentic self to all the masks, you haven't. She's in there. Try anything that grabs your attention. Keep doing the things you like & let the rest go.
If you want help connecting to the real you, book a call & let's find the best way to work together.
Book your call here.
Stop trying to be the perfect version of ONE thing.
One of the biggest reasons people don't show up completely is because they feel like part of them doesn't fit. I used to do it too.
They hide the fact that they love a good TV binge, because they're spiritual. Spiritual people meditate, they don't binge watch reality tv.
They don't share their night out at the bar watching a band, because they drink green juice all day. Health conscious people don't go out drinking.
They feel like they can't rock the yoga pants and sometimes yesterday's makeup because they're making 6 figures & 6 figure earners are always put together.
We have all these ideas of what certain people do. How they act. How they dress. And when we want people to see us as successful, spiritual, healthy, professional or whatever, we hide the parts of us that we believe contradict that thing.
When you hide parts of you, you miss out....
Connecting with others...
Doing things you love.
I'm a GINORMOUS mix of contradictions. I'm spiritual, clairaudient, love energy work & oracle cards. I also love TV, jeans, dive bars, tattoos & bloody marys. I'm a total ring junkie. I love coaching, massages, spa days, coloring my hair purple, heels, detox baths, football, yoga pants, trees & mountains, and a ton of other things. That makes me ME.
You'll never see me working from a coffee shop(I don't drink coffee) but a bar is probable. I'll never have a Luis Vuitton purse, but I will rock some sexy heels(probably with jeans). I'll never be a vegetarian, but I will do cleanses & make my own smoothies(that occasionally might have some vodka in them). I'll never judge someone for what they love or what they don't(flip flops freak me out).
Your mix is what makes you unique. It's why you connect with some people & push away others. It's the reason you're so good at your thing.
What part of you have you been holding back?
STOP that shit right now!
There's no right way to be something. Just be YOU. No Apologies.
YOU CAN’T EAT A WHOLE CUCUMBER..
That’s the conversation I overheard the other day. These 2 women were deep in, what was a very serious conversation for them, about how eating a whole cucumber is ridiculous. Why don’t they make smaller cucumbers? It's such a waste. Blah blah blah
I can't tell you how badly I wanted to interrupt them & say "YES the fuck you can!!" I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cut up a whole cucumber and ate it. Sometimes I have more than 1 cucumber (try to hold back your shock).
And p.s. they do make small cucumbers, they’re called pickles.
Maybe you’re wondering why I’m telling you this. Honestly, who cares if some lady thinks it’s insane to eat a whole cucumber...
I’m sharing this because we let other people’s beliefs affect us all the time.
It's easy to ignore or dismiss someone else's beliefs about things we think don't matter. Like eating a whole cucumber or which is the correct way to fold your towels...
But when it's something we view as important or life changing, suddenly we care about the opinions(because that's really all a belief is) of other people (strangers included).
Suddenly we begin doubting if maybe it’s wrong to...
Start a business...
Change career paths...
Dye your hair purple...
Travel for months...
Buy your dream home first...
Want a better relationship...
Move to a place where you don’t know anyone.
It’s all different versions of the same thing.
Don’t let anyone else fuck with how YOU SEE what you want. If it feels right to you it IS right for you.
I remember working my ass off. Trying everything. Feeling like a failure because I wasn’t getting the results I wanted.
And still thinking a mindset shift isn’t gonna fix this.
I have to do more. Be better. Make a new plan.
I did need a new plan. I needed to work on my fucking mindset.
Imagine you’ve decided to run a 5k. You’re excited(maybe there’s wine or margaritas involved 🍷). You buy an outfit. Your friends are gonna run it with you. You’ve been training.
Then on the day of the 5k, you get dressed & you stretch. THEN...you put on some leg weights. A resistance parachute gets tied to you. AND your shoelaces are tied to each other.
You might finish the race(reach your goal), but it’s gonna take A LOT longer & the whole thing’s gonna be a huge pain in the ass.
That's what it's like trying to reach your goals when you're fighting your mindset.
Eventually I hit my breaking point. I didn't know what else to do, so I decided to work on mindset. And wouldn't you fuckin' know it...
Without doing anything different (except the mindset work), suddenly people started reaching out to me to book coaching. My sales went up. I lost weight. I started getting free stuff.
My results went way up & the only thing I changed was working on my mindset.
I did a lot of forgiveness work. I shifted beliefs. I even journaled & meditated.
You can do these things yourself or you can get my free mindset visualizations by clicking here.
Everyone talks about being your authentic self. What they don't tell you is that being the authentic unfiltered version of yourself can feel fake....at first.
You've spent years conditioning yourself to fit in. To be the version of you that you think you need to be to be successful & loved. You've done it for so long that it feels natural. That doesn't mean it is.
The real question is, how do you know who the authentic you is?
Think about all the times you've thought to yourself...
"I wish I would have said ____"
"I wish I would have done _____"
"I wish I was more like ____"
The unfiltered version of you is the one who lives in those wishes.
She says what she's really thinking. She does the things (even if they're not the norm). She has the traits you're drawn to in others.
I was a perfectionist & a people pleaser. I could become whoever I thought I should be. I set acceptable goals. I saw myself working for a big company. Having the corner office. Living in a fancy apartment in the city with my equally successful husband.
All those things felt natural & unnatural at the same time, but because I had done it for so long it felt normal. It's just who I was.
Then after my life had fallen apart for the um-teenth time & was sick of crying in the shower to get through the day, I decided fuck it. I was done people pleasing & I was gonna do what made me happy. Screw what anyone else thought (much easier said than done).
I questioned everything new that I thought I wanted. Constantly wondering if it was my authentic self.
I started a business. I dyed my hair purple. I started sharing some not so popular opinions. I turned down a promotion. I dated the totally wrong guy that was totally right for me. It was uncomfortable, but it also felt right. That was a feeling I wasn't used to.
Being my authentic self felt fake for a while, but the more I did it and accepted it, the more natural it became. Now I don't question it. It's just who I am.
I've always been a procrastinator. In school I'd never write my papers until the night before. I never pack until the last minute. Hell, I put off finishing this website and writing the first blog post (this one) until 2 months after the deadline I set for myself.
You wouldn't be wrong if you assumed some of my procrastination was laziness. Sometimes I just don't feel like doing anything more than what HAS to be done.
But, usually procrastination is my way of telling myself something about what I'm doing(or not doing).
People rarely procrastinate for no reason. Usually it's because you don't want to do something, there's a fear connected to doing the thing, or it gives you a response you want.
Take this website. Planned on having it done in July buuuttt, I kept telling myself I’d do it later.
Truth is, every time my business starts growing too fast I find ways to stop showing up until things slow back down. I procrastinate out of fear.
I want my business to grow. I want it to make a huge difference in the world (nothing too big, just the equivalent of Oprah influence). But every time it starts growing like that, the judgy bitch in my head says WAIT!!! What if you let someone down? What if this is too much? What if it all falls apart?
I'd wait until the last minute to write papers in school. Social media posts. Even my blog posts. It's not out of laziness or because I don't want to write them, I do it so I don't overthink.
If I write them too early, I will go back & fix it or change it I can't tell you how many times. By the time I'm done with all my fixing it's lost that spark. My fixing is really filtering. What will people think? How can I make this less likely to be judged?
Filtering kills the original spirit of the message.
Then there are things I procrastinate because I DON'T WANT TO DO THEM.
Laundry & dusting are top of that list. When I was a manger, I'd put off seeing an employee when I knew I had to fire them. I'll find a million other things to do instead when I don't want to do something (I've organized my sock drawer & alphabetized my movies more than once to avoid doing something).
If you're procrastinating, look at why. What's it telling you? Sometimes knowing that answer can change everything.
Intuitive clairaudient healer with a gift for getting to the point & making things seem doable.